The problem
There was someone I was getting to know. I realized that she was often sick. Or at least she claimed she was. Perhaps it was the codependency tendencies within me that started to analyze the situation. I know it took several months, at the very least. Since I was at her house often, I naturally noticed things. It's not that I was digging for information; it's that I'm more observant than I realize sometimes. It's like my brain is taking notes all the time and leaving bookmarks.
Codependent & solving other people's problems
One day, I realized her animal cage was always filled with poop. Literally, almost every time I was at her house, there was noticeable poop in the ferret's cage. I went home, looked it up, and saw that the symptoms matched hers. She was breathing in the toxins of the poop. When I shared with her the results, she was infuriated with me. She proceeded to act irate.
I was confused. I just knew I'd never offer advice again. Here we are, almost 20 years later, and I'm just now fully understanding what happened.
She was angry
She felt 4 different emotions simultaneously and it resulted in anger.
●JEALOUSY- because I figured it out 1st. She was already intimidated by me. This was 1 notch that affected her ego.
●PARANOIA- because she questioned my intent, any “advice” I would ever give her is misconstrued as ammunition.
●EMBARRASSMENT- because she didn't want anyone knowing that she wasn't smart enough to figure it out first. She also didn't want me telling others about her inability to keep poop out of the cage.
●RAGE-because she assumed that I realized all of the above and that I felt she was beneath me.
Delusion
None of this was true.I actually looked up to her. I even admired her. In actuality,I admired the fictitious character she portrayed. The person she was pretending to be didn't exist. She questioned my intent because her intent was always malicious toward people. Perhaps it was due to childhood trauma.
I believe it's human nature to think that everyone thinks like you. I also believe that with these personality types,once they realize that you do not think like them, they place you in two categories:
●Too stupid to realize what's happening. Forever a ‘codependent slave’ to me
●Ticking time bomb which will end with the severing of ties
I believe when they meet someone who they know are just like them they place them in one category :
●Ticking time bomb which will end with the severing of ties
Solution
In my humble opinion,I wait for people to ask for help first. There are rare occasions when I volunteer for it. For example,raising children entails volunteering help without waiting for the child to ask. Another example is helping a spouse if they're sick. My husband and I generally do not wait for an invitation to help each other. Even if we are stubborn regarding something,we'll force our help on each other. A perfect example is if we're sick. Each of us will quickly make tea or soup to give to whomever is sick.
Outside of that, it's emotionally draining to beg people to help them. It's absurd. Sure, you may see a junkie clearly in need of help, but it takes a trained professional to convince them of it. To be a layman and force help on someone who does not ask nor want it can cause you great emotional damage. Keep this in mind.
●Therapists are trained for years regarding helping people
●Even therapists require patients to make the first move
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